Soapbox

Do you ever just feel like you can't stand people in general? Like all you want to do is just slap a particular person, or a whole room of people all at once? The older I get the more I realize that pretty much everyone is stupid. Our society is being dumbed down by the second. We are also becoming more self-centered. Notice I said "we," because I'm guilty of it myself at times. But lately I just feel like everyone is so wrapped up in their own crap, if they would just take some time to do something nice for someone else, it might make their problems seem less tragic. The world is not all about you. Suck it up and deal with it and do something to make another person's day better. You just might like how it feels to think about other people besides yourself for a change.

Dezz's Self-Defense Tips, Installment #1

In general, when someone has a gun pointed at your head, it's not a good idea to go ahead and spray them with a water hose. It's a great way to get yourself shot. Let's all stay alive out there people.

A Shout Out to My Peeps in the Hood

Hey Middle Aged Woman in the 80s Tube Top and Matching Sweatband-
Kindly strap your 60 year old puppies down when you power walk. Seriously, I don't care how you do it, sports bra, regular bra, ace bandage, whatever, just do it. No one wants to see those things flapping around when you walk. It's gross and it's obviously not helping you in the firm and perky department. I realize you were in your prime during the bra-burning movement, but you're well past that stage in your life. You've had ample time to search out and purchase a number of well-fitting bras. No excuses. You're going to hurt someone with those things.

Hey Dumb Lady with the YAPPY Dog-
If you decide to turn your little crappy dog loose in the wild, make sure there aren't four hunting dogs in it's immediate vicinity. A gang consisting of a Brittany, a German Shorthair and 2 Weimaraners will tear your dog to pieces in a matter of seconds. We have to leash our dogs, I suggest you do the same. Otherwise when you run down the street shrieking after the little shit, we will simply point and laugh, loudly.

Hey Guy on the Bike-
When you whiz past my two beasts and only allow about 5 inches between you and them, you're not allowed to cry when they knock you off your bike. You've been fairly warned. I will not apologize.

Hey Overgrown Harry Potter Looking Mo Fo-
I swear if you use your leaf blower to shower me with dirt, gravel and leaves again, it will be YOUR final chapter. Don't be a jackhole.

Wow, all of that in a thirty minute walk. Must be something in the air today.

"I Yam What I Yam and That's All That I Yam"

Title Quote: Popeye the Sailor Man!

So lately I've had sort of a pre-midlife crisis. Sort of. I've come to the realization that I'm a smartass. A 100% dry-humored, wine-loving, fast-driving, gun-wielding smartass. I drink whiskey on occasion, when the mood strikes me, and margaritas bring out Dizzy Dezz, my crazy alternate ego. No thanks to my husband, I cuss like a sailor. I love Jesus, but I'm far from Christlike. I would do anything for anyone if the mood strikes me, but if you cross me, well, you don't want to do that. I'm stubborn as a mule sometimes. But I do have good intentions. I'm not as nice as I think I am, or wish I was. And guess what? I'm okay with it.

I've spent years trying to be someone I'm not. I've always tried to be that sweet, soft-spoken girl that most people strive to be. You know the type. Everyone loves her. She reminds you of cherry pie on a Sunday afternoon. Everything about her is good and pure and sweet. She is the epitome of a good Christian woman. She loves everyone and never speaks a cross word towards or about another person. "If you can't say something nice, don't say it at all" is her motto, and she lives it. She wouldn't dare touch alcohol, except maybe to cook with, and she would never even think of looking at the hard stuff. She thinks guns are for boys and gladly leaves them to it, along with bringing home the bacon. She is polite in the grocery store line and her children are all lined up nicely and neatly in matching outfits, behaving like angels.

Well folks, that's not me. Not even close. I generally feel the human race (for the most part) is dumber than a box of rocks and I like to tell them about it. In a nicely composed email of course. Because a lady would never insult someone to their face.

I like to drink. Heck, sometimes I drink by myself when my better half is out saving the lives of people who usually don't deserve it. So I have a glass of wine, or two or four, alone. On my couch. With my dogs. Deal with it.

I like guns and I like shooting them even more. It's fun. And I'll do it while wearing my pearls if I want to. I will also hike, run and workout in my pearls, so kindly get over it.

I've worked hard to get to where I am today, and if I want to drive a nice car, I will, because I deserve it and because I bought it myself. Jesus doesn't think any better of you for driving a piece of crap. It does not earn you points in heaven. I will also drive that car however I want. It's meant to be fast and driving it any other way would do it an injustice. It's not a sin to drive fast, no matter what anyone tries to tell me, so leave your doctrine at the door.

I will also make fun of you if you leave the house looking like you forgot to consult a mirror first. Matching your clothes and combing your hair are easy tasks, and anyone who can't handle it deserves to be badgered endlessly. This also falls within the same realm of being flat out stupid. If you do something dumb, you deserve to be told so. I will be the first person to admit when I've done something completely stupid, and I feel it's only fair to uphold everyone else to the same standards. And I'll most likely throw a cuss word or two in there, just for good measure.

So what's the point of my rant? I guess it's just that God made everyone with a different personality, and just because I'm late to Sunday School because I forgot to take my gun out of my purse, it doesn't make me any better or worse than anyone else. As Popeye would say, I am what I am, and if you don't like it, too damn bad.

My Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades

Have you ever wondered why your knees burn and/or tan faster than the rest of your legs? I mean, yes, they are closer to the sun. But in the grand scheme of things, an inch closer to the sun shouldn't make that big of a difference right? It's really frustrating for me, as I'm not a fan of anything that draws more attention to my knees, especially if they are big and red. Can't a girl get some burned shins around here?

I've come up with a solution for all of us tortured, white-shinned people. Kneepads. Aquatic-Grade. Your perfectly tan shins can thank me later.

Poor Couple in the Big City

When you're poor in the fourth largest city in America, Mission Burrito quickly becomes a fancy dinner, to be indulged in only on special occasions. Plus, they've got a lot of free condiments.

Actual Conversation:
J: Here, grab some more of those napkins, we're out of paper towels at home.
D: .....(puts napkins in bag)
J: Get some more Sweet'N Low too. We don't get paid for another week.
D: Ok, but hurry before they see us. Anything else we need?

Don't judge us...you have to do what you have to do.

You Namedropper, You

Normal Guy: Um, hey, I think you dropped this unimportant name that means absolutely nothing to me

Moron: Oh, yeah, that. Dropping names of people who I feel are important validates me as a person

Normal Guy: I don't care who you think you know or who you think you're friends with

Moron: It makes me sound cool

Normal Guy: It makes you sound stupid